Dark, grey and cold but looking unto Jesus!

17 December 2009

It is Thursday morning. The weather is grey, dark, dreary and cold and I am feeling like the weather! I had a stent removed out of my stomach and a stent put in place for me to feed myself less than a week ago. My energy levels are as dreary as the day outside and my weight is now at scary levels according to the dietician who worked out my BMI. Oh but my hope is fixed on Jesus because I had such a great chat with Him and the Father during the night every time I woke up.

I have an appointment with the oncologist on this very grey day. Le Roux was gentle and understanding helping and nudging me to get dressed. I have decided not to take any further chemo and she, the oncologist was happy with the decision because she was of the same mind and do not see that my body will make a next round of chemo. The reports as grey and dark as the day. She was very compassionate in her own way and made us aware to contact a hospice so I can be in control of my last days. I looked her in the eyes and said: “Caroline, I just want to say it again to you I am not going to die. I am too young and I believe God’s Word is true. His promises to me were none of death but of life and victory in Jesus. I read a book of Dodie Osteen healed of liver cancer, with God nothing is impossible.” I left the room because Le Roux and she still wanted to discuss matters and I chose not to be part of this conversation. Although I warned her not to scare my husband, she laughed and promised she won’t but will try to just answer his questions.

As I walked to Ward 2 to have blood taken for tests my mind played hide and seek with me. What if you are wrong and you are going to die? Do I recognise this “What if” oh yes I do and I started quoting God’s word to myself and prayed in the spirit, while I was waiting for the nurses to help me. Le Roux came and he was all smiling. I asked him how many days did she give me. Le Roux looked with great compassion to me and his answer was. "Our Lord is our hope and future it is the start of a journey walking in God’s goodness as never before. An exciting road because this healing is going to manifest or these people will never know how alive God and His Word are." What a husband showing me always to the love, mercy and grace of Father God. Meanwhile he has loads to deal with himself, running and trusting the Lord for business to keep flowing, building up a new company, dealing with the closing of the year end, intellectually dealing with the figures, and books himself. Cooking and feeding me at home! As I looked at him I thanked God for a husband who shows so much of God’s character to me. So how do I still bother with these “what ifs”?

Oh the wonderful Jesus whom is the Word of God whom became flesh for us. As I was studying the book of Hebrews that night these are the verses standing out to me.
Hebrews 10:35 Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.
10:36 For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full] what is promised.
10:23 So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish and confess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word.
I bring it under your attention that I specifically put it in this order as the word spoke to me and I meditated on it. If this is not God speaking directly to me through His Word I am missing Him through a ‘wicked unbelieving heart’.

I was reminded of what my youngest son said to me the previous weekend: “Mum it seems as if you haven’t got this quite worked out you know as I know there is only One Healer and he lifted his one finger heavenwards, that is Him”. I was shocked and then I knew he is right ‘believe in God and also in Jesus’. I say it many a times to myself, now I need to walk in it. I know it I should not give a hair's breadth of doubt in my mind. There is no place or time in my case for an unrenewed mind. Emails of encouragement from family and friends in South Africa, USA and the UK followed after my previous blog…God speaking to me through them? Oh yes I believe that.

I ended with God’s word just washing through me from Hebrews to Psalm 40, 70, 71 being lifted by Him and again Psalm 46:10a “Be still, and know that I am God!” This verse is on a magnet at my bedside table. One of my dear friends gave it to me on the airport as we flew out of South Africa. My sister’s words ringing in my ears… Rest in the Lord!!!

The next morning as I woke there was this great stillness…and I want to quote my dear friend Russell as he wrote it on his face book.

‘Woke up in a Winter Wonderland! Thick snow! Stark black and white landscape! The world’s noises muffled by the blanket God spread over us in the night.’

God’s Word do wonders for me…read with me.

Psalm 40:2 He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.
40:3 And He has put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many shall see and fear (revere and worship) and put their trust and confident reliance in the Lord.
40:4 Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man who makes the Lord his refuge and trust, and turns not to the proud or to followers of false gods.
40:5 Many, O Lord my God, are the wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; no one can compare with You! If I should declare and speak of them, they are too many to be numbered.

I say thank you Father for Jesus Christ Your Son and our full Salvation. Nothing has been left out of Your salvation plan everything had been dealt with. We are so privileged to know Jesus our Redeemer. I am so satisfied with Jesus! Thank you to all our family, friends and followers of my blog who have been so dedicated over the past year, praying, standing with us, sending Word of God, emails, telephone calls, SMS’s and encouraging me not to give up. Thank you Lord for all these precious friends and family in my life, You are a good Father!

May you have a wonderful, blessed Christmas time together with your loved ones and see Jesus Christ as our ultimate Redeemer! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!